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I was really going back and forth with what I should name this blog post because I have so many ideas that come from the fact that I have no clue what "real" love even feels like. Yes, I have had my crushes and daydreams about a cute somebody that doesn't even know I exist. However, that is really the stem of the concept I am trying to wrap my brain around.
"If I am unable to love myself unconditionally, am I truly able to love someone unconditionally?
The answer may be yes. On one note, you may not love yourself unconditionally, but your partner does and this in turn creates more confidence in yourself. Or you could look at it another way where if you do not truly embrace who you are, what is the point in putting so much effort into someone else? You never finished the first project (your self-love) so why are you giving all your energy to another person?
Honestly, I don't even know if that made sense. Long story short, my identity is not clear to me, therefore how will I be able to handle someone else's consciousness next to mine? My mind is already so loud with thoughts of not being enough for myself and to think of not being enough for someone else hurts my mind even more. Not being able to handle my own thoughts is not a new finding in my book, what is a new finding is feeling held back by my emotions and seeing everyone moving up in their "love/intimate" parts of life.
To be completely honest, I have never actually had a significant other in my 22 years of life. It has never been a priority, although it has come to a point in my life where I f
eel a hole. This hole is filled with jealous, sad, and angry thoughts that I can't even begin to describe why. It is a wonder to me why I desire someone to share my life with but at the same time don't want anyone else to want me in a romantic way. You are probably thinking "That is what friendship is for." But I want more, just don't at the same time...agh.
"The Love I Give to Myself is the Love I Attract from Others"
Could this be true? I have been hearing this phrase more and more in self-help books, but I do not believe it. You can not honestly say that the love we give ourselves, whether that may be in a good or bad way is what we attract... or is it. I seem to only have horny, manipulative, jerks who go after me and I fall for it every time. None of them last and that is okay with me and I move on.
I want someone whom I admire, thrive to be like, and who makes me a better person and I want to be that someone for someone else. Maybe there is the key. You can love someone so much and they do the same making each of you loves yourself because of how they make you feel when you are around them.
It's tiring being a bully towards myself and never realizing how worthy I am of full-heartedly being happy. The negativity that my mind brings is
more than enough to make me hate who I am mentally and physically so how could I ever fathom someone else loving me for who I am? Ugh, this is so frustrating, yet I hold the password to open the door to what I want.
"Self-love."
And here is the thing, I think it actually works. In high school I HATED MYSELF. Oh man, when I look back at myself in 2016 I don't even recognize any part of who I was. I will keep saying this, self-love is a never-ending learning game. You may win some days, and others you will utterly fail. It is the resilience that will ultimately be your power in this world.
If we have this compassion and love for ourselves and it shines through genuinely we attract that same love from others. It is cause and effect. We give ourselves wholehearted love and we receive that same love back. Just as if you were to study for an exam, you would probably get a better grade than if you hadn't studied at all.
"Fake it till you make it."
Even if you have to "fake it till you make it," it is creating a habit in your brain of practicing self-love until it becomes a reality and shines through to others as well. Again, self-love is something we all have inside of us, but it is easier said than done. I hope that this post gave you some insight as to how you can channel your inner cupid for yourself. Just remember... self-love is a hike, not a marathon.
Hope you enjoyed this post! If you have any questions, comments, or just have an idea for a post feel free to email or send a chat! Thank you for visiting :)
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